As I spoke softly, chose words carefully, Riley went on a rant about how I have ruined her life, it is all my fault, I have made her life NO FUN and now she was stuck getting her hair-dried….which during the summer was allowed to “air dry”  Normally, I would not allow the kids to speak so harshly to me, but I understood that this was a lot to take in… her over-load needed an outlet and I was it… it was certainly no fun for me, but bottled up it would have been worse and it might have exploded in an environment that was not safe…..I am safe…. so she was letting me have it…and I mean non-stop….. I have never been the cause of ruining someone’s life….I was just silent and went along doing what needed being done.  Her emotions got the best of her…what woman hasn’t had that happen.  Then…..IT happened…. with words of hurt and “its all your fault” she wrapped her arms around my waist…. hugging me so tightly…yet blaming me for her ruined life.  In my head I thought…how can you hug me and blame me for everything.  Then the lesson came.

We need to vent, we need a safe place…. and we cling so tightly to the one we love…to the one we count on…. and ramble so many un-truths…. and He just goes on….being the loving Father He is… we need to be held while we rid ourselves of these yucky feelings…that can’t be trusted.  That hug can be trusted….that’s why we go to God and hold tightly while ridding ourselves of these lies.  I smiled as I hugged her…..I thanked the Lord that I finally understood why I hug Him with what seems like conflict in my soul.

When it was over….I made no correction to Riley…. it was not necessary.  I said, “You know I am doing what is best for you right?”  She said, “Ya….but I don’t like it”  I hugged her tightly and said, “You don’t have to like it…you just have to trust me….I am not being mean….I love you and I am just trying to make things easier.”  She said, “Mom (in her “duh” tone”) I trust you because you love me to the universe.”  Then I just asked a question and admitted my feelings.  “Riley, it hurts my heart when you yell at me and blame me for ruining your life…. I know you were upset and you are allowed to be upset, but next time can you think about my feelings?”  Her response, (neck hug) “Oh ya, I didn’t mean it…. I was just mad”  I said, “I know, I know”  Cuddles and loves ended that night!

It will make me think twice about unleashing on the Lord…..and at the same time…. I am proud that I can rid my life of these lies…all while holding onto a father that just hugs me and means it.  God is cool with these things He teaches me through the things I go through with my buggas.  Good, bad our ugly…. you can hug Him, He’ll hold you….and in the end… you both will be closer!

Set up:

Check into the HOTEL…change and hit the waves.  We have built this trip up for the kids so when you are on in a 1 room 2×2 hotel room and on a budget…who is going to stay IN the room anyway right??  So here we are….I walk right into this 86 degree water with the kids…Phil is shocked because I am down to one pair of contacts…. so I am usually gun-shy.  This is our shot at the ocean….and I am diving in folks.  Now, because it is relevant to the issue and not a throw in your face fact… I have lost 32 pounds….changes your body a bit….SO NOT COMPLAINING!

When I was preggers with Jonny…. I had the stroke.  I remember them telling Phil…. we might lose her, we might lose them both, we have no clue what is wrong…(There were other issues)  IT was simply shocking.  I fought it all the way.  I remember attempting to take the kids trick or treating and I had to stop after a block… I turned back defeated… I wished  I could just go ahead and die, but there was this little guy inside me…so I had no choice but to fight…. I wanted to meet this guy that was kicking me and the one I spoke softly too…admitting that I was really really trying….and if I did fail him…I was so very sorry.   It was the saddest of times….even worse than Riley…which says a lot!  When I was literally healed by the Lord after delivery…Phil presented me with this beautiful diamond ring…5 diamonds….surrounding one big one (5 = us 1 =God)  I know…don’t ya just love the guy!  He is really an angel on earth. (I wrote this and posted it on FB because I lacked access to my blog….when I say BIG diamond…ha ha remember I am a simple girl… the whole ring wasn’t even a “carrot” just saying)

Anytime someone commented on the ring I told the story….but at the same time….the look on other’s faces was more like…”THAT IS INSANE!”    Until I lost my ring…it has been insane, but the reality is that it is God is just so cool that….he wanted me and my Jonny here…. it wasn’t easy keeping us here, but it was well worth it.

So here I am in the ocean….a fleeting thought you better switch that ring to a different finger and with that…..SWOOSH….. it was gone….I search the water frantically, those around us searched….. so kind folks are….so very kind!  I sat in the water….literally blowing snot into my hands as I sobbed.  (Didn’t say it was pretty)  Sydney came over with clarity…not mean but not sweet.  Just as I would imagine God talking to me….”Well aren’t you glad you have us instead of the ring.?”

I pondered that for a day….I mean I was depressed yesterday.  Then it really hit me…I mean HUGE.  That ring, although given with the best intentions, for me…..I turned it into a way to discuss the negative…the way that life had been so hard, that I almost lost a battle…instead of the winning of it.  I cannot remember ONE time when I spoke of the story with the end first…JONNY AND I ARE ALIVE….when he creeps into my bed….this is the boy who still kicks me!  HA HA….I love this guy!  And so….God…knowing in ANY OTHER situation….all be it…my house, a play ground…anywhere other than this vast ocean that is His…He slipped it off my finger and ended my feeling sorry for my self (Right now the stream song on 91.9 is Our God is greater!  ha ha <3 ya buddy)  Really… Maybe He had been asking me to change my mindset on the issue…maybe I am nuts sitting here by the sea, maybe this is a thought just to make me feel better….but I chose to believe this was a gentle Father’s way to end a hurt and return it to the place that I could not go back and search.  I certainly am not going to rent equipment to snorkel and search.  This situation returns to Him…I feel more peaceful….. I have NOTHING to feel sorry for….people “almost die” everyday!  Silly Silly Jenn…  And I have a fabulous hubs…Sydney and Riley and Jonny.  As I have my new…”look forward only” mindset…I am doing a classic JENN and wanting to move to the beach….but the reality is that I am taking this home with me.  If there is anything that needs letting go of in your life….in my life…. it doesn’t have to be hard…. We have a Father that will just gently slip it off you.  For those of you thinking….what about that little thought saying you needed to change fingers….my personal belief…. that was the part of me that enjoys that story….the head tilt I get from it….the announcement that I AM A MIRACLE…these my friends are not things I have to announce….my life should announce Him…. my story is about Life not Death.  And my symbol….sits at the bottom of the sea….or in the belly of a fish…or even on the hand of a well deserving woman.  Either way…. GOD IS GOOD!  Best trip ever!!!

******Post Trip Addition******

I cannot tell you any details…. I am bound by my word not too.  But through the heart of a generous person…. a precious ring was given to me… not to replace, but to be a new symbol of how precious God’s grace is….and how a ring on a finger….is important to Him.   

 Last night we went to have ice cream for dinner at Brusters.  91.9 was sponsoring free ice cream..so it was a total no-brainer.  Just as we left the thunder started….as we pulled in the rain began… it was the most perfect night for family time.  We all sat under the covering…the kids were in rocking chairs…. the ice cream was melting like you’d expect on a summer’s night… but it was nice.  Phil and I were making faces at each other as we looked at Jonathan…who dos not know how to properly eat an ice cream cone.  He was literally covered with cookie-dough ice cream.  Other guests were commenting on how cute he was… and I was in a white shirt….so when he was running around I was making calculated efforts to touch him without getting his “yucka-ness” on me.  Phil went over to get him down from the top of a table…and I told him to sit there next to me.  I was doing that one finger touch….I mean he was really a nasty mess.  As he announced, “I done” he was shoving his ice cream at me and I took it as best I could to toss it away…without dirtying myself.  Just as I turned around…. it happened…. I saw him slip off the bench and land face first on the concrete.  He did that cry with just his mouth open….no sound…. All this was in less than 2 seconds.  He was three steps from me…but I ran those three steps and scooped him up and cradled him…..I said, “I know…. I know”  He told me he was scared, his knee hurt, he looked at me and I said, “I love you bubba”  He smiled and said through his tears, “I know, I wub ya too”.  Phil smiled at me and said, “So much for not getting dirty.”  (not in words….but with his eyes)

It hit me like a ton of bricks…. the whole time he was making a mess…I couldn’t stop it, I wasn’t going to get dirty just because he was dirty and I had to just wait it out…I figured that I would clean him up after it was over.  But the moment he was hurt…. nothing mattered… not the mess…not the “yucka-ness”  My son was hurt…. I had everything he needed…. me.  There wasn’t a moments pause about getting all dirty.  He needed his mama…. and it is my nature to comfort him…. so I did. 

For some of us… we don’t notice that in our mess God is right next to us…. we are pushing limits…He isn’t stopping us, but He is there…giving direction.   But when push comes to shove…. if you get hurt…or if you really need Him to run…. He is going to run to you….without regard for Himself.  It is His nature.  He loves us…. and it surprises me still….everytime He runs to me…. each moment in this life where I think…I just might have gone too far this time…I might be too dirty…. but He runs to me all the same…. with love in His heart and compassion in His arms.  If you have children…. the love you have for them is a fraction of the love He has for you…. Thank Him for it today…..I know I am… I have a boy with a boo-boo knee today and a lesson that will carry me through my life.

Jonny has something that was not his….and when I asked him if it was his he said, “Noooo…” And gave me a smile.  I simply said, “We should not keep things that are not ours”  A day and a half later we are all driving in the van and we are jamming out to “Our God is Greater” and Jonny yells from the back to turn it down.  Phil is in the passenger seat and I am driving.  Jonny says, “Mom, my brain is telling me that I want to really keep this (holds up the object in question) but my heart is telling me that I needa gib it back.”  He continued, “I weally wanna listen to my brain mom”  I said, nothing….and he finished the night by handing it over and saying, “I will listen to my heart”

During the conversation Phil said….Is he telling us that he is having a conversation with his conscience?  Is that possible?  We agreed that it was obviously possible and glad that God led our little guy in a huge lesson…. and they worked it out without my help!  Now really who’d have thought that was possible ;-)  (Insert warning…there are mommy times where hands off is NOT a good idea…use good judgement)

2 nights ago….Jonny and Riley were tag teaming us…. Jonny has “white noise” in his room because he is prone to have night terrors….and with night terrors….they are triggered by being disturbed in your sleep.  POOR GUY!  He is the last baby and walked right into a family that is SO GOING to trigger his night terrors.  They are only about a year old now…they are weird…his eyes are open…yet he sleeps.  The doctor said, you have to wait it out.  DO not wake him up.  He screams like nothing I have ever heard….and I have heard a lot.  On one occasion I was trying so sweetly to wake him up….he grabbed my face and started just scratching me to pieces.  I was saying, “Its Mama…its Mama”  He woke up and saw his hands on my face and was so sad that he hurt me…I said, “It’s OK bud… Mama’s got you”  On a different occasion when Jonny was a baby…. he was having trouble one night….crying….I just kept telling him….I will always be here….it’s ok.  The other night he asked me to cuddle him all night.  When we woke up he said (without) surprise, “I knowed you keep ya promise”  We have had 3 kids who have at one point or another been poor sleepers….so 7 years of this has made us pretty good at it

The other night as we were being tag teamed…Phil and I were so very tired.  Up and down…pains, cuddles, night terrors.  I probably got 2 hours the whole night….finally coming down at 2:45.  When Jonny got up…. he immediately wanted to color me a picture.  He has NO idea that I was up all night…he and Riley never saw each other…He did not have a clue that I gave up and came down early…I didn’t sit him down and explain the demands that are one me….but he just felt like making me a picture.  When he was done…he hugged me so tightly…. it made the night melt away. 

I think it is this way with us and God.  We probably keep that guy going back and forth…I am not saying you should just stop “needing him” that would be kinda dumb….we ALL need him… and the Bible says he doesn’t sleep anyway…LUCKY DUCK!  My point….color him a picture…give a hug…tell him thanks…I felt so refreshed after Jonny did that for me.  They are my kids…I will do what ever I have to for them….We are His kids….and he feels the same way only better than we can imagine….about us.  That is cool to me. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=J95rAr0gOFU&feature=related  By your side (tenth avenue North)  Really…. this song says it all…. there is nothing we can do… no place too far…. the line in the song “don’t fight these hands that are holding you”  reminds me of each of my children….and those moments when they are SO far gone as babies….they don’t want you to hold them, they don’t want you to let go…. when they give up the fight and just relax into you….ahhh the past few days have been “the fight” for me….. He held me through it and He will for you too!

I was shocked a couple of months ago when something that I kept hidden in my heart flew out of my mouth as I drove with a friend.  Did I cuss….no!  Ha Ha… that might have been better… As we drove we were talking about life and Riley and all of life and I said, “No one wants to be friends with someone who has a sick child.”  It just hung there in the air….and we moved on after what seemed like a long time.  It is an admission that parents fess up to among similar settings… it is something that is talked about often when chatting with another family that has a sick kid.  When Riley first got sick… it was amazing how everything and everyone slipped away….fast….you are so preoccupied with what is going on that it is almost un-nocticable, until you come up for air and find that nothing is as it was….everything is different and no one is around….you can’t make calls or promises to “get together”… you can’t keep up your end of a friendship because all of your energy is focused on something they don’t understand.  Strangers are kinder to you than people you have known half your life…. I am not sure why this happens…. but I know it does.  Let me assure you that the only dumb thing you can say to a friend who is facing the imaginable is: NOTHING!

What has this “bur under my saddle” today…what has prompted me to discuss this with you?  A phone call I made to a friend….she is sick….she doesn’t want to talk…. it was my third attempt… and I wouldn’t have stopped sending messages and voicemails just because they weren’t returned… or because I felt a sense of “bugging”…or even if I had felt slighted (which I didn’t).  I spoke to her husband today…. you know what he said?  We are of a select few that has reached out…people are not even talking to them about this cancer diagnosis.  I know it is normal to feel powerless…to feel awkward….but we were put into each other’s lives to support…to be helpful… you can’t be so scared that you might say the wrong thing…. you can’t be so afraid to face a friend who is facing something worse…. people have to suck it up.  This may sound harsh, but I hit my heart so hard this morning.  If you have a friend who is facing any type of crisis…with themselves…their children…anything…don’t let a second go by without somehow reaching out…if you are not good with face to face….send a card….an email….a txt…something.  Break the ice and then JUMP IN….they need you.  Trust me! 

As a bedtime routine we do cuddles and loves.  There is a total routine to it and it goes like this.  Jonny is first (if you ask Sydney it is because he is the baby…if you ask Jonny he is the favorite).  So, we cuddle, watch 10-15 minutes of CARS and I pray with him and then Phil comes in…gets Jonny and drops off the girls.  One night Jonny said, “I love you 31….NO 32!”  My heart was huge and I said I love you too buddy!  Then I just listened as the girl sat there trying to understand why Jonny would only love me to 31-32….Sydney hugged and said, “I’m sorry Jonny said that….I love you to a million.”  Riley chimed in and said, “I love you bigger than the whole universe.”  I sat up on my elbow and said to the girls….31 and now 32 to the absolute highest number that Jonathan can count too…. it means with everything he knows….he loves me…it is so precious and it makes my heart BIG.  Sydney said….ya but we can love you bigger…. and I said…you can explain it bigger, but it is the same love…. and the girls sat there using cuddle time to “out do” each other on love. 

And it made me think…. is it a girl/boy thing….do I do this with God?  With others?  Instead of trying to out do someone elese…I want to be like Jonny and love to the max….nothing made up…nothing that sounds bigger than the person’s expression….just the purest love…as big as I know…. let’s no try to out do others…or hold back because we think it is not enough…. let’s just love to the max today…. is there someone that has been on your heart….is there someone that you think, “well, my 31 won’t really matter”  Your 31 might be the BRIGHT SPOT in a dark day!  I Love you 31 no 32…I LOVE HEARING THAT…. Jonathan Lamphear is a doll baby!

The videos gave me knowledge about “suckers”…these are branches that will not flower and exist to just be pretty…and by allowing them you make a choice…you have a plant that looks huge and gives minimal fruit or a plant that is able to channel all its nutrients toward fruit production.  As I approached the tomato plants…I was shocked by my understanding of this concept…. I trimmed off a lot of stuff…and to be honest…I really think the plants looked better before…. but if I want fruit…then I had to do it.

So, here is my lesson in this…I have obviously got some “suckers” in my life…things that exist to just suck the life out of the real reason I exist…. and I have to get rid of those.  Some of us look at others and see these scrappy looking things and compare them to these big bright entities… we look on and think…wow the bigger the better!  But that is just not true…. in our lives we may even think the “suckers” that we grow (intentionally and unintentionally) make us look good….and they kind of do…but in the end, when someone comes looking for fruit…. there will be little….and they’ll shake their heads thinking, “This big beauty and nothing!”  I have a “sucker” branch to cut off right now…. one of those things that I think adds…life….to my persona….and that is a statement I make…when I say, “I am married to a pastor”  I think that somehow makes me prettier…. the truth is…that statement will never bear fruit… it is a sucker existing off of a branch that is meant to bear much fruit…and that is that I have a fabulous husband…a great marriage and it is not impacted by statements or beliefs about what may or may not make us “look good”.  The fruit of my life… I love Phil…he loves me (that is not easy!) and we have 3 amazing children that honor us and are learning to live a life in a relationship with the Lord.  That is good fruit…. and just think I was letting a “sucker” cast a shadow on that…hide the fruit…

I know we have all encountered people who seem to be bigger and better…. don’t compare yourself to others, don’t judge,  just identify in you what ever it is that sucks the life out of you…. what is it that casts a shadow on the truth of your life…. just because it looks pretty…doesn’t mean its worth anything….and if it robs your “fruit”…. don’t settle for that another second! 

I like the way the message puts it:  ¹³“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

Again, the ending….we have always been challenged NOT to lose our “salt”…. and I LOVE the God-flavors part…. but from a  “cooking stand point” …..have you ever over salted something?  There is no way to fix it…. once you over salt a dish…. unless you dramatically alter that dish…you cannot get the salt out of it…. I have over salted things….it is not pretty… it is bitter and leaves that yucky taste in your mouth…. a favorite dish can become tainted forever…. all you can seem to remember is “the last time we ate that…YUCKA”  It is hard to erase from the memory that vivid, over-flavored shock to the palate.

What about the spiritual palate?  Can we be “over-salted” spiritually?  Some would argue NO, but I take the position of YES.  There is no…watering down here…I am not speaking of passivity… or losing your salt… but of just being that person….who just comes in and over salts the lives of those around them… and the spiritual palate is tainted and embittered.  I used to be a “holier-than thou” person when I first got into church and God…. you know what I mean…those people that burn all their cassette tapes of secular music….everyone else around you is going to hell because they just don’t measure up…. I once threw my sisters Air Supply tape out the window while driving 50 miles an hour down a highway….never once did I think I was littering or doing anything wrong…because I had to rid the car of evil…because I was “holy”.  Funny how when we are over-salting everything…we can justify breaking the rules to be “holy”

In the end…the only thing that remains….is love…. someone told me recently that I make God out to be A Grandpa sittin’ on the front porch just lovin’  it shocks me that God…loving us..is viewed by some as a weakness….when God calls you to give a “dash” of salt…don’t take the lid off and dump on someones life….God isn’t like that with us…we shouldn’t be like that with others.  I heard a saying…a take on the “being fishers of men”…. we catch ‘em…HE cleans ‘em”  Not one of us has ever caught a fish that is gutted and cleaned… I would LOVE if it were possible…. and it is not our job to do that…. it is not our responsibility….we are to add flavor…to show others what God is really like…. not in an overpowering manner…. getting the “salt” right is a life long process…. under-salting can be the death of a dish as well…. have you ever plated something and then just sat the salt in front of you because you needed to add it to every bite?  I have heard a lot lately about God being mad at us, God being mean, God causing pain…. I am in a very different “spot” than I have ever been…I am about to finish reading a book titled:…So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore… (http://www.jakecolsen.com/)  It is a story that has directly impacted me…right where I am…. NO, it is not a bashing on going to church…. rather it is a discovering of the relationship that we are meant to have with God…. not the routine….not the pray for my food…go to church… pray for patience…. I have permission to quote the book….and share what I am learning….and that will be my next “blogging season”…. if you are looking for a good read..order it…or contact me and I will try to get you a copy…. it is a powerful view of God….and the reality of this life.

Back to over-salted…. today….I plan to focus on that one…. I encounter people every day who put a hand up to God talk…because at some point…someone “over-salted” their spiritual palate… it is hard to over come that…. are you over salting?

I was on carpool pickup for school.  I had planned to stop by the grocery store and grab some milk before pickup, but I got busy in the garden and time escaped me.  So, I went to pick-up Sydney and our neighbor…plus I had Riley and Jonathan with me…. I was weighing it out if I thought I could manage all four kids and decided that it was just milk….not like I needed to read labels.  So we all piled out at the Harris Teeter and crossed the parking lot.  I like to give the kids a “task” so that they feel like they are helping instead of just following me around… Harris Teeter has “customer in training” carts…. so I rallied the troops under the awning and said in my cheeriest voice, “OK guys….I am going to find the milk and each of you may choose one snack to enjoy when we get home.  (The exictement was HUGE) Each of you may use a little cart…. because you are learning how to shop… now how do good shoppers shop?”  Insert the no runing, crashing into each other or things in the store…. all the rules.  I said, “At first I will be line leader and you all follow me.”    Now imagine me with my cart and following me in a straight line… 4 little children all pushing their own little carts.  I did look like a Mama duck with her duckilings (and the kids did FABULOUS)  But as we crossed into the store…. a mother saw us… she had her mouth open and just watched us all walk in….I smiled at her (kinda proud of the kids) and then she said it,  “You poor thing..”  I just looked at her…sort of stunned by the statement.  “Poor thing”  why was there sympathy for me because I had 4 little ones in tow?  Aren’t children a blessing…a gift from God…. are they not the most precious and valuble thing on this earth?   I know it is not easy being a parent…I know at times we might feel overwhelmed…. but honestly….I have never looked at a mom with her children and had that thought…. Today, when we look at our children…step one:  Thank God for entrusting us to care for them…step two:  ask Him to help us make the right choices as we try to raise our kids to be what He has designed them to be and step three:  appreciate every moment!  

It is not always easy… not always fun…. but it is the best thing I have ever done….