Back to the writing routine…the joy that is early morning. I know…some of you think I am nuts, but there is something to be said for the little joy I get out of rising at 4 am. It is quiet, it is nice, its for me….
Music has been a huge source of strength for me…. I believe that it has the power to inspire the soul…. not just Christian music….music…. when Phil plays the piano at random…for him it is a worship experience….even with the kids pounding on the other keys…. for me it just feels like someone is grabbing the scruff of my neck and helping me get to where I need to be…. I used to blast The Carpenters from my dorm room… HA HA…I am laughing thinking of those simpler times…. they seem simpler now…. back then…there was drama….there were trials…. but 10+ years later….. it seems like “The good life” and I wonder if it is always like that….. where we look back with longing for the simpler times….. and I realize that they are only simpler because I know better now…. knowledge is power and I have SO much today that I didn’t have “back then” so when you look back it seems that it was easier, but the reality is that it wasn’t…. it is all about being equipped to handle what we face…. I can be honest….”back then” I was TOTALLY ill-equipped…. these days…. I am less ill-equipped, but I think it is because I traded optimism for hope. There is a difference. I am not saying that being a “glass half full” person is bad, but for me… it is a constant struggle to “find optimism” trying to be happy, trying to keep your chin up…. I mean…. in most circles…..our life is a cake walk…..I’ve said it a million times, “On our worst day, we don’t have to worry about losing our Riley….so perspective is real and in tact in this house” that does not change the pains….those mean nasty pains…. or the future that we don’t know about… will her kids get it…. can Sydney and Jonny pass it to their kids…we don’t know…. no one does…. it is uncharted….. can you see the optimism fading…… but don’t be down…. Remember I have given up optimism for hope….. it is WAY better.
Natalie Grant sings, Our Hope Endures, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZfuff0S_OQ ) For me, hope just is…. I can’t see it with my eyes…. I hope in my heart….I feel it there…that there is a “future and a hope… that He plans to give us” I won’t lie…. when the sun stays dark…. it gets a little difficult…. but God is with us. Only the initial darkening is scary… once our eyes adjust… we can see…. that is the same spiritually…. I have to see… if nothing else….that He is sitting there with me….
And I have to address this too….. after living in a situation like we live…Phil being a pastor (not just that, but being a Christian) living with a child who suffers…yet loves Jesus with all her heart….a child who sees things that I can’t….who talks to God like He is right there….and reminds YOU that he is right there….. after seeing and meeting so many people who have children suffering from all kinds of illness while we were on our trip…. there is one common thread that connects us all… we would give our lives to stop this all…. it is not a matter of us praying harder….”claiming” healing, it is not about us doing the right things, finding the right method or phrasing the prayer “just right”…. there are no right words for you to find to make it all better…. telling us that we have to step in and “put an end to this”…. it just doesn’t help and sometimes… it hurts. Remember that we live this….. we pray… we sit…. the sun is hidden and rain is pouring, but we have hope….. we don’t understand, but we have hope….. and we will walk “this mile” with Jesus…. and understanding is over rated anyway…. so today….. don’t try to be optimistic… don’t try to struggle with it…. just dig out your hope… and hold it tight…. hope carries you….and we all need that!
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